Life Changing Events
This will be my last post to this website.
*It is time to close this Chapter in my life.
Last week I found out that my dad passed away. My dad has been living his life the last 19 years in a wheelchair. He was paralyzed as the result of a car accident. On November 1988 my dad was hit by a drunk driver. I was young when my dad was hit and I do not remember much about him when he was mobile. I have one good memory and a laughable not so good one. I love my dad with all the heart but I owe it to him and myself to be successful in life. My mom told me once she received news back in 1994 about her father passing that she let go all of the losers in her life. I know it is time for me to do the same!
For too long I have let mediocre guys in my life. It is TIME for a change. I had my life prophesied by an apostle. He told me somethings that I really needed to hear. Letting go was one of the first things he said to me. Now most people probably thought he was talking about me letting go of my father and realizing it was his time to go. That was part of it but there are other things I have been holding on to. I have less than 21 days to get it together and I have every intention on doing exactly that.
So to you if you read this. I have loved you more than you ever loved me, but the time has come for me to let go and realize my fantasies for us will never come true. Its one thing to tell someone you love them and want to be with them but actions speak louder than words. You can say it, shoot you can yell it to the world but if your actions never show as such then it means nothing to me. I've never asked for much. All I wanted was for you to show me you loved me rather than me trying to read between the lines. Its time for me to live in true reality. Its time for me to work on myself and finish God's will for my life. I can only live for myself and I can't let anyone else pull me down from my lifetime goals and aspirations.
Momma told me real love doesn't hurt......EVER! Hmmm, and I believe that!
This online site has been great, somewhere to go and express myself. An outlet. Someplace to go and vent. In the last few years I have never had many people to call on and consider my true friends so this website was perfect for me. Thanks for those of you who listened and read my thoughts. The girl from the first blog written June 2006, she no longer resides here. Weakness4luv, I am no longer that girl. I have moved past that and I pray it will never resurface.
One Love and I am Out!
My Time
This will be my second to last post on this blog so I though it only right to reveal myself to you.
My most sensual bath was taken last night. I usually don’t take a moment for myself. Every once in a while it’s good to just relax and enjoy life as you reflect over life’s happiness’s. I have nothing to complain about, God has been blessing me for my entire existence. As I sat in the tub you came to mind, I’m intrigued by you. Although our conversations are seldom they always leave me with a lasting feeling. Whether it is your messages via cell phone or your missed phone calls, a smile is always the result of our encounters. If only distance wasn’t an issue. I haven’t smiled like this for sometime now. I get that feeling like I’m a gitty teen with a crush all over again. I know I’m not very old but I have lived and experience a lot in my time.
Being Open & Honest
After much consideration and random get to know you conversations with guys I've realized I need to keep it real with them.
One asked if he could get in line to possibly join the team one day. I tried to convince him that was not the case.....its true there are a few guys who have expressed interest in me but I am just living my life. I am not trying to be tied down to any one person....I am taking time to work on myself.
It's true SOME guys are so full of shit...they think they can talk the game and act as if they are different than the rest in actuality they have been the same, not all but a lot. Its July 12. I did not finish this post until now and I honestly don't know what I was going to express. I have new things though.
More things have changed.
I'm still alone......remaining that way for as long as I can. Another guy got to me as usual. Its always a stupid one to ruin it for others. Hmmm.
Just got back from Detroit...it was GREAT!
This guy I went to elementary school with was trying to catch up with me. We kept missing each other, hmmm oh well I guess. Anyway as a result of a text message conversation with him I have came to the conclusion that I will not TALK TO ANY GUY UNDER THE AGE OF hmmm 25 I guess. Guys my age are incredibly immature and stupid. They are not on my level and I refuse to drop levels in order to carry on conversations with them.
Keep Them CLOSED!
I've been thinking about this a little. Thinking is good for me.
Wondering if I am overreacting or if it is normal to feel this way. This post goes back to my original post and my blogger name, weakness4luv. So if your confused reread the first one.
Everyone knows me, I'm a 21 year old college student and I reside in Topeka with my parents. I'm a blessed young woman and I love the Lord with all my heart. I sometimes wonder if I am truly expressing love to Him because I am disobedient at times. It says in his word to not come together with a man until you are his wife. Sexual intercourse is to be between a man and his wife. By the way, I am single and "there are no rings on my fingers." Said that to say I have gone against His word on more than one occasion.
I can live with that.
I have repented of my sins.
Ok so the problem that I am facing....I am getting older, yes its true. One day this cute faced young woman will begin to look her actual age. I am worried about things that do not really matter at the moment. I am worried if my husband will accept me as I am. I am not ashamed of anything I have done in the past but I do regret somethings and wish they had never happened.
It is a known fact that when you lay down with another person you have also slept with everyone they slept with and the people they slept with too. All of that makes me feel unclean. I know I'm not really dirty but the thought of all those people gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. One night this guy told me he had slept with 25 people and he was only 18. I could only imagine what it would be by the age 25. I am sure my husband will love me no matter my faults but this has to stop.
I can still hear my moms voice telling me I didn't have to sleep with every guy that likes me. Which I don't of course but the number of people has gotten outta hand. This topic was brought to my attention once I realized that out of all the guys I have shared myself with I may never marry any of them, which means my number will increase. It didn't help when this guy I started talking to asked me if I could count the number of times I have had sex. Should I know that number? Am I suppose to keep tallies?
The best thing about that particular conversation was he asked if I was a virgin? I have not heard that question in a long while! Thanks man :) It really made my day. Said I seemed innocent. I wonder how many people get that vibe from me.
Its June 21 and I am finally publishing this post. Did not have much to add. Just looking for feedback I suppose. Leave a comment.
Let's Keep IT Real
The next few posts I submit will be real. I'm gonna put a couple things out there..... my thoughts of what to do about the situation. I hope someone reading this will leave a comment and provide words of advice.
The last few weeks I have been hanging out with a guy friend of mine. We met in middle school. Over all the years I have known him I have not ever been interested in him and anyway possible. Just not for me I guess. Well we got in contact through myspace and exchanged numbers months ago. He would text every now and again to say hey. One day he informed me that we still liked me from school, wow. Anyway he knew I had a man but told me if it didn't work out to consider him because he is a nice guy. That thought flew through my head.
Time passed and I was single. He ended up texting me again about a job opportunity in town. I told him I would pray that we got it because it was a great opportunity and he really wanted to move back home. Well he was hired for the job and had been working for a little while. We went out to play pool one night, it was a lot of fun...catching up and sharing current happenings in our lives. Found out he was extremely interested in this girl from HS that his boy had dated. Why am I saying all this? Hmmm
Well I was single and its nice to catch up with real people so him and I chilled together on a few occasions. He talked about his new love interest and I mentioned mine.
With all this time spent I realized more and more the type of person I wanted to be with. I started to better appreciate what I once had. I sat and watched him eat a couple times and I was completely grossed out. Never thought I could lose my appetite from watching someone else. The way he talks loud as if he is craving attention. That turned me off. I'm too reserved for others to hear my conversation and know exactly what is being discussed. I could go on and go about things about him which made me realize what I did not want in my man. Oh
and to top things off, he brought a grill! GROSS
The other night he came by the house to pick me up and knowing how my parents are I told him to come to the door. Well he came in and introduced himself and I did not know that thing was in his mouth. At least I think it was. We were walking around the store looking for candy and he could hardly talk because of it. I realized how flashy he really was. I don't like guys like that. Its good to have esteem but when you want to be noticed all the time that is a huge turn off, at least for me. But anyway I said all this to say.....please please when your out with a girl, don't put on a show to try to impress her. If she truly likes you then you can be yourself and everything will fall into place.
No Thugs Allowed!
I'm getting older. My mind is expanding and my interest in men is becoming clear to me. When I was younger I liked the bad boys....the ones who were always getting in trouble and being sent to the principals office. Now that I have grown a little and matured a lot I've realized that I did not want to waste my time with a loser who was not doing anything with his life.
One of my best friends asked me if I was still good friends with any of my ex boyfriends. My response was no because most of us ended on bad terms.
In a way things have changed, time has passed and my first two boyfriends and I are cool. I try to remain civil since what happened is in the past.
The reason I try not to remain close friends with my exes is because I do not want them to think they have a chance with me again. Once something ends it is usually for the best. No point in trying to make something work when the two people are in different worlds.
For instance let me explain the reason I am not that cool with my "first everything."
We dated in high school of course, ninth grade til twelfth just about. Most people thought we were going to be together. He was a "bad boy" and at that time I liked that. Now I think he is worthless and does not deserve anytime of my day. He alright in high school and now just the thought of him today makes me want to puke!
When he was in a relationship with this chick anytime he seen me he would not speak! We seen each other more than I would have liked since his worthless brother impregnated my friend. He really acted as if he did not know me and we were never an item (his chick already knew the deal.) Anyway now that he is single again he decided to bother me. What is really going on?
Why do guys think that crap works? Well I am here to let you know it does not work for me!
He claims he wants to take me out (he can drive now that he has a car, lol)
Even for a free meal I would not be caught dead ANYWHERE with him. So sad to say because it sounds like I am putting myself on a pedestal. But if you knew this guy then you would agree. He is no longer good enough for me and as long as that is how I feel he will never take me out anywhere!
Spring Semester Finals Week
ONE MORE FINAL AND I AM FINISHED FOR TWO WEEKS!!!Tomorrow morning I have to take my Statistic for Business and Economic final...I guess I am ready. I have been reviewing some problems this evening and I plan to work some more once I am off work. I can not wait until the weekend! I am CELEBRATING!! ANYONE who is down...holla at me!
Why do you do this to yourself!!
I just read a Facebook status of this guy I met in 2002 in "Da Boot." We met at in the High Ability program that GSU annually has. Anyway his status said something about all his facebook friends being in a frat or sorority. Him and I not included, :)
That made me think about people I know. Everyone I went to high school with has at least one child. Shoot everyone I can think of does except for the few that are still in college. A few are graduating this year...not many, myself included. I am trying not to let that get me down. Here I am in of Spring 2007 when I was "suppose" to graduate according to society. You know the usual four years to complete higher education. I do not have any excuses of why I am not done; my parents did not put me out the house, make me get a job, pay rent, I did not get knocked up, I honestly do not have anything standing in my way of obtaining my degree except for my own lack of focus. I am holding myself under and its killing me.
This semester consisted of repeating some courses as all of them have since I started at WU. I never seem to make it through a class the first time. Sometimes it takes me numerous tries. I am tired of that too! I say this but I have not done anything different from semester to semester. I let things get in my way and cause me to lose my focus. Its not that the classes are difficult shit I was top of my class in high school. Problem is I do not study as I should because I never had to....I know what I need to do but I lack the jump to just do it. This is the Thursday before Finals....I have four to take. Two of those classes I am scared for. One is a repeat and I do not want to have to take it over. The second....I dunno. I just didn't study long enough for previous exams......I let social events take place of studying. I find any and everything to do to avoid studying at all cost. THAT'S A CRYING SHAME!! I know.
I see graduation like its around the corner but the street continues to get longer and longer. I know I can do this I just have to show myself and do it!!!
Sorority Women
I will probably be hated for what I am about to say. But that's ok because with a face as cute as mine....chicks are bound to hate from time to time.Growing up I was not much interested in being apart of a sorority. I had seen them on television but my mind was set to other things. Once high school came and went and college was before me I realized HEY.................maybe I do want to join a sorority. My top choice has always been Delta Sigma Theta...I have not changed my mind nor have I went with a different sorority because it was the only one active on campus. Well to the good stuff.AKA has recently became an active black sorority on campus.....a few girls I know crossed. Starting back in 2004 we have been trying to get DST on campus...searching for enough interested ladies, organizing so the chapter can be activated again and even held a rush on campus Spring 2005. Well it all did not go over well. Still no DST on campus. Meanwhile AKA becomes active.This one female I know was interested in DST, attended the informationals...the whole nine yards. Well I guess she gave up because she is now a AKA. I think its a joke. I can you be so interested in one then all of a sudden change your mind. This is a lifetime commitment! Do they not get that? Guess for now they are all about the hype....that's really too bad.I think I have decided to give up on pledging....maybe its not me. I have been looking at it like I have to pay a grand to have friends and become apart of this "gang" so to speak. I was asked not too long ago to consider AKA by a prestigious member of the Topeka community. I felt honored but I let her know I had been considering DST. What would I look like? a sell out just like ole' girlI never imagined myself as an AKA...always thought they were too snobby. I have the look but its not in me. I can be a "Pretty Girl" because I am one. I do not have to parade around with a mirror sculptured with my hand because I know I look good always! Maybe I could be a snob...but I don't want to be that girl. Maybe I have seen a negative representation of the entire organization based off a vast majority of the AKA I have met. To tell you the truth the ones I know are not so pretty, ha they should have been Zetas. Oooo I'm so bad.
I am so TIRED of LITTLE BOYS
I get so tired of little boys.
Which is one of the MAIN reasons I have decided to only date men. It's funny April/May of 2006 I was saying I wanted a boyfriend that was my own age......I had been pursued by two grown men, one 35 and the other 28. I was sick and tired of them trying to woo me and try to become my man. Don't get me wrong its nice to have someone take you out and treat you like a queen....I love the attention.
I mean what woman doesn't??
But I was 20 years old and I didn't want a boyfriend whom had a daughter older than me nor did I want to be known as " the home wrecker" because the other guy was just coming out of a 5 year relationship/engagement.
That idea of older men did not last long once I met my best friend. We dated for a long little while but we decided it was best to lose the title and remain friends. I am glad to have had that experience in my life. My first "real" relationship, what we shared, most wish they had.
Ok the tired of little boys line.....................
Last summer I was feeling generous. Now we all now I am a poe college student, working three part-time jobs so I can have pocket change and money to buy what I want. Anyway
One evening I received a text message from this boy who is a couple years younger than me. I have not ever had any relations with him but I was feeling generous and knew God would bless me in return 10 folds. Which HE has.
Well he asked "to borrow" some money to pay his phone bill because him and his mom was going through a rough patch and he needed to keep his phone on. So I lend him the money and figured he would pay me back when he could.....possibly in a month or so.
Crazy thing number 1 I was going on vacation the next day so I really needed my little money. Number 2 months passed and no money, no communication. It was bad enough he and I did not talk before anyhow. Number 3 I send him a message on facebook, this is how it went:
This is not gonna even sound right. I do not mean to come off as a nag but when you asked to borrow money from me my definition that I know means lend and it will be returned in full. Its one thing that you asked me of all people considering the fact that we do not even associate. It was all good though, I was happy that I was able at that time to be a blessing to you in your time of need. We both know months have passed. I just want my money back if you are not able to pay at this time that's fine but do not disregard the issue as if it does not exist. We are both starving college students. I know money does not grow on trees meaning I do not have it to give freely to people who ask. So with that said you already know whats up.His response:
yuh i got u..Typical for a boy to say. Anyway that was in December 2006. January 2007 he sent me a message saying he was coming into some money and would pay me back. Its end of April...no communication and no money. Ha boys.Well I guess I have learned my lesson. I'm not gonna disclose the amount of money because most of you would think I'm being silly but its the principle that's all. Had we been "best buds", "roll dawgs", or even "my ace g boom dawg"....there would not be an issue and I would have dropped it after a month of no payment. But in this case....he and I were none of the above. So with all that said....little boys keep stepping because I am not the ONE!
White Dude
This is something that happened last year. Something recently made me think about it again. Oh yea I had to do an artist presentation this morning.
Last year in Economics I was in a group presentation with a guy and girl, both white.
Anyway
I met the guy at his house one evening to go over the presentation. He was from Minnesota and had just moved to Kansas. He lived with his parents off 29Th and Urish Road (for those that don't know, this is a newly developed area of Topeka with large houses.) Ok my reason for writing the blog. When I arrived and we walked in...... he made the comment as if to say I have never been in a house like that and how nice it was. Some crap like that. I mean don't get me wrong it was a nice house, hmmm on the outside.
Now anyone who knows how white people live knows how most are disorganized (that's a nice word to use) and live like slobs. Well this house looked like that and I almost did not want to sit down. Anyway we worked on our project and I left. Not to mention this dude's car was a piece of crap being held up by tape. hahahaha Guess that wasn't very nice.
Well that's my story of the white dude who thought he was living it up showing the little black girl something she had never seen....wow if he only knew.
I Hate Mondays!
Its been a while since my last blog......A lot has changed in my life...mostly things for the better though. Something irritating happened to me today. Now its pretty obvious that not many black students are enrolled at Washburn its bad enough not many black people live in Kansas. Well anyway, its Monday and I had a long night last night finishing a project for class that I had been putting off. Needless to say I went to bed by 2:30 in the morning and had class at 9AM. I did make it to class, thank God. Back to what I was saying, its Monday. Most Monday's I look like a bum because I am usually tired from a long weekend and do not feel like putting myself together to go sit in three classes where I am the only Black girl. So I threw on some pink pants and a gray shirt, ha. It matched my pink and gray gym shoes.This afternoon I changed into a gray tank top and I had on purple crocs, LOL. Around 4:10pm I walked into Carnegie Hall, which is where I work. Walking and talking on the phone with my moo moo :) I seen this foreign looking lady (shit she could have been white, who knows) staring me up and down. I just stood there. Now I am pretty used to people noticing me and most tend to stare. Well today I was just tired of it, I then said to my mom, I can't stand when people stare at me as if I have the word Disease written across my forehead....it really a pain in the butt to be stared at. I said to my mom "maybe its because I look like a bum or something?" She was like no that's not it cause you look like "Hollywood," mind you my mom went to work before I woke up this morning so she really has no idea what I was wearing and looking like today.But only a mommy knows the right things to say to make her daughter feel like a million dollars! That was my eventful Monday....
Heartbreaker
Every now and then people ask you; are you a heart breaker. Have you broken the heart of a previous lover. Hmmm. Me of course not...or so I thought.Being a heart breaker is often seen as characteristic trait of most guys and girls. I never thought I would have to be given that title.After reading though old bulletin posts on the infamous MYSPACE I noticed a bulletin left by an ex boyfriend of mine entitled "my firsts." Me being the curious person that I am...curious not nosy! lol...... I decided to read what he had as a response to the questions...I found my name listed twice, Shame.I was his first prom date and the first to break his heart...what a bad combination.Anyway that left me feeling kinda down...I don't wanna be known as a heart breaker. It's almost as bad as being a tease if you ask me. I immediately remembered what events led up to me breaking his heart and that made me feel worse. It wasn't anything too bad. Common scenario. He loved me and I did not reciprocate the feeling. We were young...my first real boyfriend in high school. He ended up telling me three years later that he loved me and we hadn't dated since freshman year. Anyway by that time in my life I had moved on and not once had I felt the sightly feeling of love for him, Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Nah it happens every once and again to people everywhere. I just hope I won't be given that title again!
Giving God Glory
HAPPY NEW YEAR!Starting at the beginning of this year my Pastor began teaching from the book Purpose Driven Life written by Rick Warren.....as a church family we studied this book back in 2004 but God must have instructed Pastor to teach it again. I said I would try to make it to every night but it hasn't happened. I remembered back in 2004 when Pastor right told the congregation he wanted us to be in church every evening for 40 nights in a row.....I literally thought he had lost his mind. After 40 nights (some missed due to evening classes) I felt I had learned a lot and I was grateful to have been able to participate. Now that the time is here again I am still anxious to attend class nightly...its always a pleasure to be in the House of the Lord to learn more about his word. I know I have grown spiritually over the last few years....God has brought me through a lot of trials in life.....I know he will forever be with me.One of the lessons is about giving glory to God in all you do......either early in the morning or late in the evening. The book tells you to do things that would give God glory. Pastor asked the question " are you giving God glory with the music you listen to, the clothes you wear, the TV shows you watch all hours of the night, and the food in which you indulge. All of these questions had me thinking and wondering....is God happy with the things I am doing in my life. Humans were put on Earth for God's pleasure. He created us in HIS image....he made us, and shaped us into the individual you see everyday in the mirror. I am PROUD to be a child of God and I promise to do my best to do things that glorify him. Even if that means coming out of my comfort zone.
You Bring Me Joy!
Mary J.
Blidge....one of the best female vocalist!
I am out of my slum, no longer a "bitter woman!" Not that I was but with all the things I been saying and writing the last couple days it would have been
perceived that way.
"We're back together"....we've talked it out........so now we will take it slow, one day at a time.
Christmas is just around the corner......I will be happy once it arrives, no reason just enjoy being around people during the holidays. Wish I could be home in the Metro city of DETROIT but KC will do this time around.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Promise?!?!?
Sitting here listening to Ciara's PROMISE.
Yea I'm watching videos, ha.
Anyway...listening to her lyrics and after re-reading some old blogs left on a site I frequent I've decided to close my heart to love for a while. It seems to get me no where except hurt feelings. I'm a really emotional person. So does that make me over dramatic?
Ciara seems to be singing her heart out looking for this "special" guy. Are they really out there? Do they exist at all? I'm sure somewhere there is because there are people who are happy in their current relationship shit they've even manage to fully committ and get married. I'm sure I won't be this way all my life because I still feel like there is someone for everyone.....Mine just hasn't found me yet..........time to leave TOPEKA!
Shit I need to get off this chair and watch something different....nothing but sad love songs on the tv. Everyone is looking for that somebody................................................................... hmmm
My Weekend
Last weekend was a BLAST!!
I went to Lawrence Thursday night and got messed up...it was great! Dollar Drinks,
lol.
I went to Brother's with Tess as a unannounced
pre-birthday celebration. I danced all night....practically acted a fool. Since Tess doesn't know me well she probably thinks I'm a crazy drunk, which isn't the case. I can have a great time without alcohol huh Carlos (we sure used to work the dance floor!)
Anyway I went out again Saturday night (Tess actual celebration)
I went to Lawrence with a good friend of mine....my boyfriend at the time. I had fun then as well....didn't drink as much had to get up early in the morning and I didn't wanna be half sleep at church!
I liked going out with my man showed we were comfortable enough to be out at a bar and not be worried about other people. ( hitting on either one of us) Well I was cool with it anyway. My weekend was great...didn't end so well though.
I'm single again.
That's the life I guess.
It gets me down because I look at it like I do not know how to keep a man as if I run them off. Three months and one week?!?!?! for what?
Seems like it was a waste. In the end I really can't be all that upset at least I gained a friend. Lord knows those are hard to come by.
Well as I say always...life goes on, and so will mine!
I hope this is a great holiday season...but I know it will be because I have THE LORD on my side!!
"Lotti Gagging"
Hey, its me.
Today is Monday, December 11, 2006.....this day marks my three month anniversary (90 day probation according to my mom.)
Well I'm bored at work....felt like writing so here goes nothing. I am studying! Which is a big step for me. I absolutely hate studying...I wish I had the ability to retain four months of information for each course I take. A wish that will never come true.
I seen the most heart felt movie last night..."Eight Below," it was sad and sweet at the same time. Its based on a true story about a group of sled dogs who were left in the Antarctic and how their owner tried so hard to come back for them. Its good, check it out.
Tomorrow are my first two finals: Microeconomics and Management Information Systems hopefully all goes well! I am still looking forward to Thursday evening.........nothing planned yet but I am partying this weekend if its the last thing I do.
Side note; weight lost is still going well. I am noticing a difference. I have lost 13 pounds since my last Doctor visit, lol.
I haven't worked out in a couple weeks but I will get back to it so the rest of this fat will drop. Someway I am gonna have to get my legs back because my jeans are saggy on me. I don't like that at all!
I'll be back after the weekend is over to share my experience!
Finals Week
This is the Friday before Finals Week....my last free day until after I have completed my exams. I am looking forward to Thursday evening when it will be all over. My first year of business courses completed, Thank You Jesus!!
I am preparing for my first weekend off of school already.....road trips, late nights out, and NO HOMEWORK!!
I'm so excited. I was hoping to go home this holiday season....planning for Spring Break though....I am blowing this place in March....too bad I willl have to return, lol.
Stand Strong
I've been careful with telling others about my blog site because I have revealed some rather secret information. Its finally bitten me...right in the butt.....received my first hater comment on a previous blog. Not sure of how to evaluate the situation besides the fact that's it's not a true statement. I just wish people would leave well enough along. Be happy for others instead of attempting to bring them down, oh well life goes on and so will mine. I am reminded of a comment left on a blog I frequent when the author announced his new relationship status......................
Anonymous said...
"Well I am happy for you to the fullest!! Enjoy what you have. Don't let rumor's and Lie's come between you. People might just start saying that you have been doing thing's that are not true..be strong my friend what goes around does come around. Jealousy is a terrible thing and when you find happiness as a person, there is always that one bitter woman. I hope you have not scorned many, or lied on any. Take it from one man to another......bask in these feeling's and absorb them they are great. "I am gonna take this comment and run with it! I will not let anyone destroy our happiness...things are hard enough as it is why let something so small like a hater comment destroy what we're trying to built. I won't! I am gonna STAND STRONG!!
On My Mind
I just had a few things on my mind that I wanted to release.
Somewhat of me venting.........
I am unsatisfied with my current status in school and life. I feel as if I have failed myself as a black woman attempting to surpass the stereotypes. The best thing I can say is I have not been knocked up by some guy. I can still make it out of this nightmare because there is no one depending on me.
I am doing this school thing for myself, so I can succeed and be able to support myself and children when the day arrives. It's true I am a struggling girl who always seems to turn to the wrong "people" for help.
When I should be looking to God...I seek humans.
I think a lot of us make this mistake.
I could go on all day about things I do not like or are dissatisfied about within myself but I am gonna spare y'all of my pity party. I ought of be sleep but there's much moving about in this brain of mine. I just basically finished my accounting project....which is good even though I may fail the class anyway...I'm praying for a miracle. I missed an exam in this class....not sure how....I swear that lady didn't tell us we were having one!! Anyway I am starting to get long winded....back to topic.
On a positive note....I am slowly understanding accounting and losing weight!
I think for too long have I longed for a perfect male companion that I thought once I got one I would be complete.....but how can I want someone who doesn't exist so bad?
I should be focus on school and getting done but my mind is elsewhere. I have these strong feelings that I am kept bottled up....I am ready to explode! I may have fallen too hard this time. But maybe thats ok...maybe life as I know it will not be over.......this is just something I have to deal with one step at a time. I am afraid of coming on too strong..sometimes it scares people away. I love hard which isn't always good. I probably shouldn't publish this but I don't think my blog is read anymore anyway...been too long since my last one. So here are my feelings out in the open for everyone to view.....I'm gonna go to bed now.
Lord, please provide strength and courage for the new day. I am a sinner, please hear my cry.
Regression
As I said this will not be a "gushy" post. Just something I wanted to elaborate on and reasons for why I do somethings.
Regression....
I am not quite sure why the concept of finishing school and losing weight, for instances are my not main focuses in life. I view life as something quite different at times. Granted I knew all while growing up I was going to attend a four year university, graduate and go to Med school. As time progressed my mind began to regress. Which is rather sad if you ask me. I often miss high school. The excitement of going to class, finishing my work (that I understood) and preparing for the weekend. The usual Friday night football or basketball game and the mall & movies on most Saturdays. Everything was structured. I knew what was coming. NO RESPONSIBILITIES.
Now some of you may assume I do not have any now because I reside with my parents (that's bs) it only further let me recognize that you really do not know me and your making assumptions based on something you think. Which in fact your only making an ass out of yourself.
Anyway back to topic at hand. School.
I used to love school, could not wait for Monday. It was all social for me. Doing school work was no big thing. I completed assignments in no time flat. I enjoyed seeing people, mingling because at home being an only child I did not have those luxuries. I live hundreds of miles away from my family so weekend visits were out of the questions.
Even in HS I spent a great deal of my time away from home......always at friend's houses. That concept is nothing new. I always could say I had a second home.
Home was a place where rules were enforced and rooms were quiet. I was usually home alone which had its perks at moments, but I grew lonely at times.
Basically I am just trying to say sometimes I don't look to the future as mode of getting out the house and establishing my own life, I see it as me, Brandi having to grow up and take care of myself. Live alone either on a different side of town or an entire different state. All my life I have been alone so I am in no rush to get to that point in my life; yet and still I do want to take care of myself and appreciate becoming a self-suffcient adult.
Hopefully as time goes on I will develop that "go getter" attitude so college will become something I've completed in my past. I just hope that time comes soon because I am so sick of school.
My Continuation of the previous post
Hey I'm back just a few days later. I am so excited I finally figured out how to edit my settings so the correct time would show up when I post new blogs!
I know I'm a nerd but anyway I just got off the phone with my favoriest (made up word) cousin in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE: Janal Shonetha!!
She was calling telling me to search for tickets to go shopping in New York before Thanksgiving, I tried to find one but no "good good" priced one came up but I am going to keep trying cuz I wanna go so bad.
I have not been since March 2004, way too long ago...............so if anyone wants to contribute to my New York Fund I accept cash, check, money orders, and all major credit cards!! LOL
H-A H-A I was serious though.
Ok ok back to topic at hand.
Wednesday evening, ok, so, I went to sleep right, Thursday morning while taking my exam I decided it was time to drop that class. I am going from 12 hours to 9. I know its truly sad but I do not understand this statistic course and it drives me insane because I took regular stats over the summer and did well. Now this stupid stats for business majors is kicking my BUTT.
Uhhh college I cannot stand it but I have to finish.
Ha this is not what my blog was suppose to be about but I promise I will get there, hold tight. Ok so I got outta class at 12:15 pm like every Tues/Thurs. I walked to the union wasted my time for an hour chit chatting and went home.
Got a meal along the way thanks FG!!
Well I am at home still sort of upset at my beau because of the evening before and its after twelve and he has not called!!
lol funny I say that because he did call.
It was like two or three, finally I thought. He asked why didn't I call him when I got outta class and why was I at home (I always go to his place after class) so he knew something was up. He asked what was wrong and after explaining my frustration he apologized because he is such a sweetheart, muah.
Alright alright here is my blog:
Weight Lost for me or others??
I have been making an honest attempt to lose weight since April of this year. I tried last year so I could be smaller for my friend's wedding but that didn't work out so well. Those pictures will not be shown!
Anyway I love my body I really do. Only thing I would change are my feet. Here lately I have been on a weight lost escapade of losing at least ten pounds.
My own opinion, I have a bomb body; all the assets that most women have to go under the needle to obtain. Me I was blessed with both, y'all know what I'm talking about. But I have a downside like we all do as human beings, my tummy is too big. Its not out there like those funny looking white girls but it could be flatter. I only wish for my soph. year of HS body again. ha
The problem is as much as I want this body I am content with my presence appearance, well am I truly? I have another weakness besides men. It's food but not just any food, bad food. Pizza and potatoes. Since I am a picky eater I eat what I like too often; my body is starting to reflect that. People I know accept me as I am but some give me criticism about the excess fat. I'm not as active as I was five years ago so my weight has settled in my mid area. I do not like it! I hate it really but I'm not really motivated to change my habits drastically. I have been doing a lot better though and no one acknowledges my hard work. I have not eaten fast food in a couple weeks, which is GREAT, because I used to eat Wendy's and McDonald's every other day religiously. All I am asking is for a little encouragement not a boot in the face. Sometimes people need a little push instead of "you should be ashamed of yourself."
What I ought of be ashamed of is letting someone say something so dishearting to me playing or not. You know what type of person I am and I would never belittle someone to their face its messes up their esteem, thank the Lord I have a momma who tells me how beautiful and gorgeous I am daily!! Could be the reason for my confidence and sometimes "concidenciness" (probably not a word, but u catch my drift) anyway I love myself first and because of health reasons I am going to lose weight plus there are some thing I would like to wear without being conscious of my figure.
Well I think I am done fussing for one day.
Please someone leave me a comment, I would like some sort of feedback!
Mixture of feelings....no title required!!
Man it all started as a normal day, my usual work, tutoring, and hanging with my beau. I thought it would end just the same. Not as exciting as I hoped for. It's been exactly one month and approx. one hour since he told me he was willing to give me the title if that's what I wanted. An unusual anniversary...but I know he's not the mushy type so it was a regular day besides its only been one month, ha.
His response when I said guess what today is....lol the obvious I can't even remember exact words but know it was not that nice but hey I shrugged that off cuz I already know how he is.
After watching a crazy but rather interesting movie about pedophiles, " the woodsman" I told him I was going to lay down since he was playing the game and this particular one freaks me out. So I laid in bed waiting for him to get tired enough to turn the game off and come lie down. It didn't take long, he finally came. He thought I was sleep.
After about ten minutes of laying there I decided it was time to go home, so I got up and headed for the door. Nothing out of the ordinary. I already told him I was not staying all night....I have a test in the morning for my 9:30 AM class. He was not too happy.
I can never seem to understand the frustration he feels, it bothers me that I leave so late in the eve as well but we both know I have to get up early. All I ask is that he understands that.
Good music played as I drove home, "take me as I am"
by Mary J and "It's a thin line between love and hate" author unknown.
Out of hurt and frustration I called the girl who always and I mean always calls me when something or someone is bothering her. My sweet dear best friend, who happened to be in bed. Even though she wakes me out of my deep sleep quite often I only kept her up for a moment. She said she had an early class, shit so do I but apparently I called you cuz I needed someone to talk to. Reason why I feel I have no true friends. Only one I can depend on is my momma!
I can't think of one person I can call in the middle of the night to vent to! She didn't sound interested in my problems anyway, its bad enough she and him do not care for each other, shit which is so crazy cuz they don't know each other.
Anyway he did call when I was on the phone but I chose not to answer because I was upset at what he referred to me as. He tried to justify him not understanding things that I do by saying "I was young." That pissed me off so I really was leaving no bye no nothing. I'm only "young" when its f ing convenient for people around me.
But its 2:30 AM so I am about to hit the bed and rest so I can start over new in the morning......its good to be able to write out my problems.
Oh yea you ask what are my issues...well my blogger name is "weakness4luv" did you think I was kidding? men, sex, and understanding self-worth. Yea thats me all wrapped up in this 5'4'' body of pure lust to a man's eye.
Take it in.........I'm out, one.
More to come I was just too tired to expound.
I'M BACK!! NEW AND IMPROVED
AND READY TO KICK ASS!!
lol hahaha its a joke; only kidding.
I AM FINALLY 21! I never thought this day would come. I had a GREAT 21st birthday celebration spent with three important people in my life; my loving mommy, my awesome Pau (my step dad) and my caring boyfriend. Yep I said it.........I'm not single anymore! I've been off the market for the last month or so and here recently the status became official. (Since this isn't a blog about my new status I am moving right along.)
Friday September 8th through Sunday September 10th of this year, my mommy, favorite tia' and cousin spent a fun~filled weekend in CHICAGO!!; CHI~TOWN, the "Windy City", and Home of the Bulls! We had a lot of fun "bonding" ha four women together all day for three days it was something else but I truly enjoyed it. I am so grateful that I was able to go to Chicago to celebrate my 21st birthday. A year I will never forget!
We experienced the city. We rode on the El downtown everyday from the Midway airport. We stayed at the Holiday Inn in a western suburb of Chicago; We were sure to get two rooms so we could have our SPACE, it was fun! We shopped all day downtown; I didn't buy much...I was being a tourist snapping pictures. I've lived in the city before but downtown Chicago during the day does not compare to my experience of city living. It was just like the movies!
I have to go back someday soon....maybe it can be a vacation for a well-needed individual.......who knows.
I am taking life one day at a time.....one foot in front of the other. HAPPY and content with the way things have worked out in my favor.
Being 21 has been great thus far. Being able to go out and order a legal drink, lol. Don't worry I will not become an Alcoholic! Wise people have shared with me that 21 brings more RESPONSIBILITY! I am more than ready for what life throws me. Sometimes I feel like I have been to hell and back but then I realize there is someone out there who is so much worse off than myself. So I plan to give it all to GOD. I will no longer become upset because someone has done me wrong. I know that God will dealt with them.
Thank you Lord for another year!!
